A lot has happened in the past...geez almost 2 years since I've written on here. Nothing of supreme significance. Just, life I suppose. I would imagine that its rather boring compared to most. Uneventful and even dull, lacking any surprise at all. But, to be honest, its been a lot for me. I'm not quite sure why. I don't have a good reason, or any one event that set everything else in motion. It really was literally just "how the cookie crumbled."
First, let me start out by saying, I am still hooked on, infatuated with, maybe even in love with this person who ended our relationship ALMOST THREE YEARS AGO! Why? No idea. I feel like the girls I used to make fun of, in movies, honestly even in my life. Any friends that would be stuck on a person who made they're feelings for them quite clear (that being that they couldn't care less). I would judge. So hard. Now, now I am that girl. Feelings, so clear, he doesn't care. Buuuuut does he? the question I continually ask myself. Its absurd, and ridiculous I know. It's almost like I can't stop. I just can't disconnect from them enough to connect with someone else. Its sad and consistently reminds how of lonely I am.
Second, this stupid thing I'm hung up on has had this remarkable ability to have me looking for connections with people who only want to physically connect. I've been told idk how many times in just this past year where people have essentially, in not so many words, "you're fuck-able, but not date-able." Now if that doesn't make someone sad, I'm not sure too many things would. Self-esteem, extremely low. Body image? Also extremely low. Why though? Why would my body image also suffer? These men said they'd sleep with me so why don't I at least feel pretty? Because, to put it simply, they want a 'relationship' with me that would only exist in the bedroom(metaphorically). Am I not pretty enough to at least take out to Red Lobster? To show off in public? To claim me as yours in front of other people? Or only just the bedroom when you call me 'baby.' So yeah, self esteem generally low, self image, pretty poor.
Third, SPEAKING OF POOR...I am broke as shit. I have no money. None. I am absolutely atrocious when it comes to managing my money. I don't know why. But its like I can't remind myself often enough that I'm poor. I feel good some days, and I go out, I buy lunch, I buy food to cook, I buy clothes, I buy something. And then I'm suddenly reminded that I need to pay bills. Its dumb, I'm dumb. I know. I've asked my job for a raise because all the other girls in my office get paid more than me and have been there less than me. But, they said no. Because they don't do raises. So I've been looking for other jobs. No one is hiring someone with my degree, my experience, or something. Or, if they are, they just aren't hiring me.
Finally, In the the midst of all this shit I've brought upon myself. I have been diagnosed with depression, and anxiety. I saw the 'discharge' sheet after one of my doctor appointments and it said "major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder." I ruined my day. I called my mom and my best friends and cried about because I felt awful and weird having a seen the 'names' for it written down with my name. I'm still not over it. The med still aren't working, I'm still not sleeping, and honestly, I still don't know what I need to do about it.
Thus, I was reminded that have a blog. A blog, which I used to get a lot of joy from. I enjoy writing. A lot. So I've never quite understood why I couldn't stick with it. I think it was a matter of me being lazy, not having the energy or time, and not really having anything to write about. I'm going to try and start journalling again. Everyday. And also use this. To kind of document more details. Once a week is a goal lol But not a standard so we shall see. I'll write about finding the right pills, finding the best self care techniques for me and hopefully about the night time ritual I figure out so I can sleep like a normal person. ya know, trick my brain into thinking its time to sleep when, its actually time to sleep. (i'm terrified of sleeping pills but if I need them I'll keep you updated.)
Thanks for bearing with me. Thanks for starting again. Its new. Its silly and weird and honest. I'll probably be annoying but hopefully more interesting and relatable than anything else. Adios new friends.
