Its been a while since I've written. Honestly, there isn't a really good reason. But some things have happened lately in my life that have had me a bit down. Something that has been weighing on my mind heavily for a number of months.
I continually feel like everyone's second choice.
Regularly in life we make, choices, per say about the people in our lives. For example, who I call when something good/bad happens, who invite over for dinner, who I talk to when I really just want to talk because I need good stimulating conversation. Those kinds of choices.
It makes sense that most of the time, if not all of the time, you'd always choose your significant other, your best friend, your child, ect. Thats what I do. I have a list of people for certain things. I have my parents when I think I'm struggling. I have my sisters when I have good news. I have my brother when I need a good laugh or to make fun of someone. I have my best friend for when I need to hang out or complain about boys, what have you.
But, for me, it seems that, I am no one's first choice. While I understand it, they have all have spouses or significant others, or even children, that would be their first choice, I only have them. They are my choices my first choices.
I recently was dating someone, that while I never really doubted my self-esteem, definitely made me start. And please don't get the wrong impression. They were actually incredibly nice to me, kind, sweet, and often told me things that would usually build up a persons self-esteem. However, they often picked people, or in his case, materialistic things over me. (like a car, not. kidding.) He was greedy and money hungry. Yes, he had goals for his life, and I completely supported that, who wouldn't? But, he just wanted money, and often said he wanted it more than anything. He wanted the money to buy nice things for the people he cared about, so he could travel, so he could get a nice house and retire young all the wishy wishy bullshit people say when they're covering up their greed. He just wants to be rich. Just, rich. That's it. He didn't get me anything for my birthday, we broke up before Christmas so I guess I'll never know that but he didn't do little things either. He never brought flowers, or got me something I said I wanted online or something as a surprise. BUT I need to clarify, this is just to prove that he didn't want money to buy things for the people in his life. I'm not materialistic. He knew that. I don't need things, but somethings are nice.
Anyways, back to the matter at hand. Second. Choice. I was ALWAYS his back up plan. ALWAYS. I would ask him to hang out, he'd have plans, I would see what he was doing, he was out with friends/"shady af business partners", I would want to go out and do something and he didn't like my suggestion or his car didn't have enough miles (he leased it. Yes he was so smart) so he'd bail. He'd be late ANYTIME we actually hung out because of his shady af side businesses (MIND YOU I actually dealt with that. Fine, make your money cool) But seriously, he never made time for me. It was work, or his investments, or his businesses, even his friends, EVERYTHING in his life came before me.
One time I actually asked him, "Where am I on your list of priorities?" He says, "What do you mean?" "Well I mean, I get that your family will come first always but what about me? Am I before your money? Before your investments? I want you to succeed but does that mean I come last?" His response, "You're in a different category than money." And that's...it. That's all he had to say about it. I very bluntly asked him if I was a priority and he not so bluntly said no.
Which, if any of you can imagine. That hurt like hell. But I'm not a quitter. I soldiered on. Just for him to leave a few months later, for, you guessed it, money. Money money money. He broke up with me, for. money. AND THEN have the audacity to come back, for more, money. All the while saying that I am one of the most important things in his life and he can't afford (see the phrasing?) to have me leave. Making me feel like shit because I put him first for everything I was always last but here he is, guilting me, all the while, still. putting. me. last.
SO, back to the point, this little life lesson had me all kinds of low in the esteem area, "I'm going to be alone forever, how come I'm not better than money, maybe its the way I look, my laugh? Nah my kiss my little lips ruin everything" Wallow wallow wallow.
Then a questions stood out to me. "How come I was always after something on his list." It made me reevaluate all the other relationships in my life. All. Of. Them. Including my family sadly because that's how low of a place I was. How come I never seem to come first in someone's life. Even my cat???? (She liked my roommate more)
Man, did this realization SUPER bum me out. My family all has significant others. My friends? Same, thing. Was this because I was single? Am I missing something? Nope, not just that either. There were ALWAYS other people they'd rather talk to, hang out with, call, whatever before me.
To be fair, I'm not a selfish person. I get that there will always be someone more important than me in other peoples' lives. I'm not silly.
But, I wanted to be that person to someone.
I felt like I was just waiting around, waiting to be picked. Because I care, because I'm loyal, no matter how toxic or bad the situation was, I just wanted to be picked. It was unhealthy, it was quite literally dangerous, and it was making me physically ill. I was over thinking everything in my life. My interactions with clients, friends, family, strangers. I love, with ALL of my heart. Always have, and I'm sure I always will. But it was exhausting, it was exhausting feeling like a backup.
Until one day. I took a mental health day. I needed it desperately. And I found two great quotes show up on my news feed that day, one by an unknown "Too busy is a myth. People make time for whats important to them." And one by Dr. Suess, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
Can you imagine, seeing this? After alllll my melodramatic self doubt. Those both rang true. I took a deep breathe, and started to think about everything from a broader range.
How many times did I ditch my friends or family for that one guy who said I was important but only had an hour that one specific date and time that I actually had plans. How many times have my friends made plans and REMEMBERED ME. How many times did I show up at my sister's house crying over a stupid boy when she was on maternity leave with her newborn daughter and made sure that while I was there, I got all the toddler and baby snuggles.
I had to really take a deep breath. I had to think. I was important. To so many people. So many. I knew, that while I might not always be the first choice for somethings, I was at other times. I was some people's go to guru when they doubted themselves and needed to be built back up. I was the go to baby whisperer when my nephew wouldn't sleep sometimes (or they at least made me feel that way.) I was my best friend's go to for something, my Dad's go to for something. I am important. And you are too.
Don't let shitty people make you doubt other relationships in your life. Don't let people make you feel second best, or not important at all. If they do, get rid of it. Get rid of it now.
And here's a life tip. Its okay to have "Being a priority," on your list of qualities in a significant other. It doesn't make you clingy, and it doesn't make you crazy. It makes you human. Everyone wants to be important.
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